So fer xmas I invited my boyfriend and his family (soon to be mine!) over to my house for dinner. We all had a nice time, and I got really drunk! ;)
Here'z the whole fam...
And the cuuuuute couple...
And my lil' blackie sis and bro!!!
I dunno who took this one....?
Actually, I kno this looks picture perfect but it wuzn't that great. :( See cuz I was expecting my bf to propose, and when he didn't I got kinda mad, and I'm pretty sure I made a scene before forcing his folks to leave with a meat-cleaver.
I remember trying to get Alfonso to fuck me, but he wouldn't cuz he said I was too gross. He ended up leaving and I thought, "You know wat? I'll show you what's gross, fool!" So I ate this ENTIRE piece of cake:
Then I decided to post a personals ad on craigslist with these pics, since I was really depressed about having eaten the entire piece and fighting with my man. I never got a response tho......
The only thing I'm confused about is: where did my pants go, and why am I wearing furry children's boots????
This is really sad. It kind of ruined my day, sort of. I'm sure u've all heard of the super-untimely death of mega-talented actress Brittany Murphy, who starred in such gems as...
and... (I like her body, lolz)
aaaaand.... (yay acting!)
and this one, which I wuz really excited to see when I wuz ten:
andandandandandandddd...!!!
...I think she's better en espanol:
and lastly, my favorite romantic comedy of ALL TIME:
But the good news is that cuz she died, I decided to change my major! Yay! I'm going 2 b a celebritologist, see:
"Mt. Lebanon Pa.: Which are the best colleges in the U.S. to attend to earn a B.A. in Celebritology? And.. to become a Celebritologist, such as yourself, do you have to graduate from a professional school like doctors, engineers, and attorneys do? Finally, how many years does it take from beginning to final professional credential exams (engineers, attorneys, accountants) to be able to call oneself: a Celebritologist? After all, we wouldn't want just anyone performing professional research, analysis, and commentary on something truly important as the lives (and deaths) of celebrities and the truly different universe they inhabit. Or once did as in your profile case today. Thanks much. Fellow professional
Liz Kelly: Thanks for writing, Mt. Lebanon. I did my undergrad at Virginia Tech in English. Rather than major in Celebritology, I thought a good grasp of the English language would stand me in good stead -- just think how well my finely-tuned brain can ingest an issue of Star magazine."
So I went to dinner tonight with the fam, and most of it wuz really nice - and guess what?! Our waiter wuz really cute, I took a picture:
But parts of it were really shitty and now I'm depressed, I think I'm going to kill myself. :(
Like, for instance, I ordered sum fries and just guess what happened. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: I bit into a fry and there was a fucking hair in it or something horrific like that.
Well that's exactly what happened, congratufuckinglations! Except it was stuck between two of my back teeth (like floss, yar) so I couldn't just reach in there and pull out a chunk of fries with hair coming out of it, so I spat it into my really nice embroidered napkin and rolled it up and threw it under the table. :(
AND THEN later after ordering a veggie burger and extra fries and a milkshake I asked to see the dessert menu, and since the waiter wuz really cute (you saw him!) I tried to make conversation, and it went somewhat like this:
ME: "So wat would u recommend? I wuz thinking coffee and doughnuts but I dunno." TOM: "Yeah, that's good, but the chocolate pie is personally my - " ME: "I mean, I don't like chocolate. But I was planning on getting it to go, so which one would you pick?" TOM: "Not the doughnuts if you're getting it to go. I still like the pie." ME: "Okay, I'll have the doughnuts. I was planning on sitting in my room later and binge-eating." (here I paused to wink at him - do you think that was appropriate?) TOM: "Uh..."
Goddamnit, why am I such a freak?! I even wrote my phone number on the napkin under the table but I kind of hope he isn't the one to pick it up...
And here's the best part: As we were driving home, possibly the worst song ever came on the radio. That normally would have been bad enough, but NO - my mom's man decided to half-sing, half-whistle along. So not only did I have to hear this:
BUT ALSO THIS!!!!!: tse-tse-tse-tse-tse-tse-tseeeeee-ze-ze-zeeeeze-ze-ze-ze-who-phfssshhh----YOUR KISS-zuh-zuh-zuh-tsh-tsh-IS ON-tse-tse-tse-ze-tze-tze-tze-tze-MY LIIIIIIIIIIST
This might be the beginning. I keep sayin each time it'll be the last, but it never is.
Right here is basically one of the most poignant works of art or something I've seen in a loooooooong time. As in a few hours, cuz there was that black video...
Okay so there's pretty much only two things I want so far, 1st I was watching TV this morning and saw this totes awesome bbq thing!!! It's so cool:
And then I was thinking this might b good (u know, just in case I get dumped!). Although I wish it came in a dark brown...
These presents would really cheer me up, cuz, like the whole thing is that I'm starting to realize that I'm sick - like, really sick. Thanks to Naomi Judd, I'm now aware that I live with a lot of pain (like, a lot.) Sometimes it hurts so bad that I don't even wanna get up in the morning. :(
I know, u probs feel really terrible about this and I totes understand if you feel moved to donate sum munny to cover my medical expenses (or to get me my hot rod grill fer xmas!!!!!). That would be great. Thankz.
So I FINALLY got my halloween photos back from my favorite neighborhood Wal-Mart (I luv them, but they take 4ever!). Overall, the decorations this year were a big hit:
Shouldn't have cheated on Mr. Spider!
After I made sure they were dead, I burned 'em witchez!
I thought this was genius, cuz the kids had to notice Barbie (minus head).
Er, I dunno wat to call this one... Art! ArtartartartARTARTARATTTTTT!!!!!
My favorite - rape victim!! (Right on the door too, yay!)
- has been expressing his desires to spice things up in his relationship with Fifi (his girlfriend). He's been bitching about it for the past month so I finally decided to help a qigga out and scout craigslist for possible opportunities. This one seemed the most promising:
Let me sniff your college boy ass any one into letting me lick and sniff their college boy ripe ass after they jogged all day let me know.im ready to do this now.you must be willing to sniff me and lick back.
So I said, kindly impersonating my pup:
RE: Let me sniff your college boy ass I love running and working out, and I'd be more than happy to let you sniff my ass. Even the thought kind of turns me on... A little about me: I'm a 95 lb. German Shepard mix, straight (my girlfriend is purebred), with a penchant for all things anal. I haven't been to college, but I've been to obedience school (...please let that be good enough). Wanna meet in a park somewhere? I'd be willing to be more discreet but I can't host, sorry. Cheers, Jorge
Satan's out to get me!!!! It all started when I cheated on my boyfriend. Weed been having sum pretty ruff patches for a while, so I was feeling sad one night and decided to order Pizza Hut. I ended up having sex with the Cuban delivery boy and I think he put a curse on me. :(
First, this morning I saw the mark of the devil in my egg:
(The one on the left.)
And thennn my sister's been acting really weird and I think she might be possessed....
AND THEN while I was walking to skool this morning I saw THIS: !!!?!????!?!?!?!
When I nudged him in the tummy with my foot a few times to see if he needed sum munny or sumthing, I realized he was dead. :(
Stuff like this never happens to me and I don't know what the fuck is going on.
I don't give a fuck what all those scientists say - they're wrong, and I can prove it!
In fact, the Earth is actually experiencing global cooling (as if Chapter 5 in Super Freakonomics weren't proof enough, er...). Here's a picture recently taken of Earth, from space, by NASA:
See all the fucking ice?! You can also see this on their website, http://www.nasa.gov/theearthizcoolin.html
All those fucking environmentalists really piss me off, so to cheer me up.....
So every October my Gramma makes her world-famous Buttered Popcorn Cookie Crunch Halloween soup. It's soooo good, I always have seconds!
Here's the recipe if you wanna try it: (Okay so she'd be super mad if she new I was doing this cuz this is strictly suppos'd to be a family recipe but I don't care cuz I want to spread the joy with the world er suck it g-ma!)
4 cups butter 2 cups shortening 1 cup water 5 1/2 cups popcorn 12 Oreos salt
1. Combine butter and shortening in a large pot. Cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until boiling. Reduce heat to simmer. 2. Add water and salt. 3. Stir in popcorn. 4. Serve and individually garnish with a crushed Oreo. Makes 12 servings.
It's really good at parties - my Gramma knows, she throws lots of them! In fact u might recognise her (the one in the mailbox):
Today I found pictures of me n my high school sweetheart from our senior year. It brought back sum awesome memories of all the great times we had... But it also reminded me, painfully, of all the shit we took for being a multiracial couple. :(
So fer the longest time I thought I was just white trash, you know natch cuz like look at my favorite breakfast (omg it's SO good, eggs and taters with ketchup ketchup ketchup ketchup):
But then the other day my boyfriend found this old picture of me, all dressed up to go to my second cousin's quinceañera after just having finished with my third cousin's bar mitzvah, so . . . . . . . . . . .
WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN??? I'm so confused, and if I marry my boyfriend that means I'll be BLACK, TOO. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDddddddddddddddddddd.
Today I turned 11 it was so much fun. This morning I had a party with all my friends and we took lots of pictures and I can't wait to show uuuuuu!!!!!!!! They're so fucking cool.
Ok so here I am with my Best Friend Eva-Yolanda:
And here's me with my Second Best Friend Leticia-Flaca:
Andandandandandddd here's me and my Third and Fourth Best Friends Luis-Fernando and Pancho-Omar:
So after all my friends got there we opened presents and they got me a pony holy SHIT I love my PONY!
And after that we had even more fun cuz my friends brought over this really fucking awesome book called La casa de baños para mujeres and we all got in a circle and I read to them yay:
And then we all watched Cannibal Holocaust and went to sleep,
god today was such a fun day I wish it could happen everyday, and did I 4get to tell u that I also got hair extensions what do you think?
Today I woke up and felt kind of funny. I decided to take a shower, and this is what happened:
I was like, "Okay, no biggie, it's cool, I'll just go have breakfast and go to church and everything'll be fine when I get back."
So I did that, and when I came back I felt kind of sticky. Since I already took a shower and didn't wanna get my hair wet again, I decided to take a bath. Here's what happened:
"I really hate being a girl - it ruins everything!" (this is what I said to my boyfriend, in a text) "DON'T SEY THAT! I AIN'T GONNA C MY BABY SAD SO I'MA BRING U SUM CANDEE TO CHEER U UP. :)" (this is what he texted back, he's African American)
This is what he brought me:
I really didn't feel like eating any of that, I told him, but he got really offended and shoved a few down my throat anyway, then punched me in the eye. ¡Oh, mis dos puntos están estallando!
I can't believe I'm actually posting something this juvenile but, as I was sitting in chem lab this morning I realized something that had been bugging me since the beginning of the semester - being, of course, that I couldn't figure out who my prof reminded me of (vocally, mind u).
But as I started to zone out and listen to her endlessly drone on about meaningless babbleblahblahablah, I suddenly felt like a child again... you know, a child watching the Muppets.
Aha! Eureka! Problem solved at last - same voice, but a lower pitch! I wish u were there to share this moment with me, because I started giggling to myself and it would have been a lot funnier if I had someone to giggle with. :(
I know. I've been gone for a really long time. It's cuz the worst thing happened to me a few months ago - I got pregnant. I decided I wanted to keep it at first, and that was going great, but then about two months into it I changed my mind, so I had an abortion. I feel a lot better! Whew, what a relief. My really good friend Porque made a commemorative art piece depicting my experience:
It's on sale for $3,028 USD. Acrylic on canvas. 24" x 18" (contact 1-208-783-2452)
ALSO I got a new pair of boots! I'm so excited for them to come in the mail, it's exactly what I needed after all this trauma:
I got two new kitties today! I'm so excited! I went to Petco and they had a bunch - they looked so sad, they were all in cages, so I picked the cutest one they had to take home with me:
I walked around the store for a little bit longer and decided to get another cat - it was kind of confusing, because he was stuck in this cage with all these rat-type things and I thought to myself "Don't cats chase rats?" But I didn't think about it too much and bought him anyway cuz he was just too cute to leave behind:
"Oh, how we hate goodbyes...but we know you really love good buys! That's why we're reaching out to you now. You haven't shopped with us in a while, but we wanted to let you know that with C- you can afford to shop again. (With these prices how can you afford not to!) Buying clothing may not seem like something you can easily justify these days, but C- is here to help. Our new looks are ones you will love, ones that you'll turn to again and again, long outlasting your initial investment. Simply put, our low prices make the styles you love all the more worth it! Times are hard enough, why sacrifice shopping all together when you can just shop smarter at C-. To encourage you to give C- another chance during these sparse fashion times, we'd like to offer you this Style Stimulus Offer! Please see below for your exclusive Stimulus Coupon which allows you to buy any item and receive a second item of your choice FREE! (details below) Talk about getting the most for your money! It's a smart investment for your closet (and your sanity). Buy the gorgeous top, get the jeans FREE. Buy the tailored suit jacket get the matching pants FREE. The choice is yours and the options to save are endless. And that, you'll find is just one of the many benefits of smart shopping with C-.
Sincerely, J-"
I was flabbergasted, so I immediately flipped through the catalog and ordered $300 worth of foreign-made clothing. What a deal!
- just in time for Easter! This morning I went for a run in the forest, not anticipating I would enter a damned non-believer and exit a new woman, full of faith not only in humanity but in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Here's what I saw:
Notice the bunny in the bottom left corner. When I first saw him, I did a doubletake - he was about the size of a regular rabbit, you know, tiny, but as I got closer I noticed that it was really a tiny man in a bunny suit, beckoning me with (what I hoped was) a burger and fries. I ran after him and soon we came to a hidden waterfall, where he began to take off his suit (he wasn't wearing anything underneath, mmm).
I realized then that he was in fact Jesus - hence the scraggly beard. He told me I was one of God's children, and he said that even though I was in a lot of anguish over my sexual identity it would all turn out okay, and that I would be saved. We then made love for hours and hours, and I finished my run knowing that everything I had shunned as a little girl was, in fact, true.
"I like the out doors but when the weather gets cold im a bit of a hermit. i like movies and books, but prefer to stay in as to going to the movies.i love country music. im not a big TV person, but i do like C S I and Cold case Files.i dont really like talking about myself unless im asked. im a very open person about my life.Im looking for someone who likes kids and isn't put off by the fact that i cant find a baby sitter all the time.i love country music."
It was under the casual encounters section, w4m of course!, but it's been about five days now and no one has hit me up. Why? I want some answers. :(
We all had to introduce ourselves, name and occupation and hobbies and height and weight, so I said: "Clementine, bartendress, makin' music, one-fitty, just shy of six feet."
They just kind of looked at me, I think they might have wanted something more...? This one gal mos-def gave something more for the whole class, she said: "Hi, my name's blahblahblah-blayh, I have three children and an ex-husband and am currently seeing this WONderful guy, I work two jobs, one in the morning and one at night (here, she paused to wink) and this is my first time taking blahblahblah (I'm just trying to protect everyone's privacy, naturally), I think I'll really enjoy it but I might need some help with the homework, so if any of you guys could help me that'd be great, I enjoy swimming in the ocean and I don't have a height and weight."
I clapped, and They looked again - that's okay, I thought it was neat. I gave her my number, in case she ever needs sum help.
Today I played tennis. It was neat. I also went for a run. And a walk. Those were neat too. Then I ate a baked apple. That was pretty neat.
Then that girl called me, which was neat until she wouldn't stop talking - I hung up and when she asks me about it next class I'm going to tell her my "little brother" got on our dial-up connection and booted me offa the phone.
I'm your quintessential ignorant American hick! I vote Republican, I make my own meth, I live with my ma AND I eat my apple pie with a slice of cheddar on top! Yeehaw.
