Haiti has competition

E-mail

To: amad@yahoo.com
From: johnson@yahoo.com


dear amad,

how i think of you. how i love you. how i long to hear the sweet whispers
of your voice. you captivate me. you envelope your essence around me each
time we meet. hoping to see you again soon, only not soon enough my
darling.

your lover,

johnson




To: johnson@yahoo.com
From: amad@yahoo.com

johnson,

I had a dream about you last night. We were really drunk at a party and I really had to pee and you helped me to the bathroom. Then we hung out there for a while until all these bitchez came in and were like, "Are you guys fucking on the floor?! Eww, disgusting!"
The only problem is that I think this might have actually happened.
Which I'm kind of totally fine with.
We might wanna go get tested later this week, cuz from what I remember a suspicious character joined us on the floor later that night and if I do recall correctly he had some anomalies "down there."

In other news - do you by chance remember that fat creepy stupid psychopath mexican guy I worked with at p---'s? (no, not n---.) His name wuz r---; he was the one who was in jail like five times for beating up his girlfriend/wife in a drunken stupor and was simultaneously dating a 16 year old...when he was like 35. I mean, I shouldn't be one to take issue with that, but his kids were also at the time like 8 and 11 or something. ANYWAY, about a year ago he randomly came to my house to say hi (I didn't invite him in, but he managed to extract an awkward hug from me. (I hate it when guys)/(I hate guys who) don't have any upper-body muscle mass and sport B-cup man-breasts think it's okay to TOUCH ME ICK ICK ICK ICKKKKKKKK. So, he came to my house last night. Again.

Luckily, my mom was there to save my ass. I was in my room when the doorbell rang; she came to tell me that some guy was here for me, and I said "Who??????" and she said, "Some guy named r---" and I SAID "IS HE A FAT MEXICAN?" AND SHE SAID "YES," AND I SAID "HELLZ NO I'M NOT DEALING WITH THIS I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM DON'T LET HIM IN MAKE HIM GO AWAY I'M NOT HEREEEEEEEEEEE."
And she did! But not before her too-trusting boyfriend let him in. Fucking tard sometimes! Swear to god.

I hope he gets HIV/AIDS.
Who am I talking about?
That's fer u to decide, babe.

-Coco

P.S. Speaking of, I've been thinking a lot about spring break/cancun. I'm in love with f---, and I'm also in love with you. So... anything goes, OKAY?!?!?!???!?!??!?!??!?!?




To: amad@yahoo.com
From: johnson@yahoo.com

sick. sick balls.

Big changez

So Alfonso finally broke up with me. I was kind uv sad, so I bought a big box of chocolates and rented a romantic comedy to cheer me up.

That wuz two weeks ago. The janitor at the hospital told me later that I COULD HAVE ALMOST DIED (I guess that combination is pretty dangerous!) and then asked me out on a date.

So, like, we've been fucking for a couple weeks and it's getting pretty seriouz or whatev but the thing IS is that I still have feelings for Alfonso (obvs).

I sent him this card for Valentine's Day... but he hasn't txted me or anything yet.

I hope he takes me back :(

Mystery: Solved

The other day I realized the root of all my problems (with my boyfriend).

I'm actually a panda bear -



See, it all makes perfect sense:
I have no libido.
I don't know how to make luv.
I'm aggressive without provocation during 4play, but otherwise lazy as fuck.
I like licorice.
I'm a little black, a little white.

The only thing that concerns me is that I might go extinct.

But thankfully, those fucking Chinese guys sort of came up with a solution - group sex and learning-by-doing!

I'm going to post an ad on craiglist rite now!